It is amazing how quickly one can move into a spiral. One
minute: you’re walking down the street in the dress you now own in four (Count ‘em.
FOUR.) colors, a scale-defying diva of wonder and might, and the next: BAM! A complete
mess. I’m still processing one such incident that set me hurdling toward the realms
of self-loathing earlier this week.
The thing is this: it was a simple question. Not even a
question, so much as an expression of concern. In a sea of conversations, it is funny how one little word spoken can
jump out and feel so much louder than the others. What’s worse, nothing was
meant by it. It’s all what my brain took and did with it.
In the past few years, I’ve spent a lot of time in therapy
and getting support from a dear group of women that disbanded a few months ago.
One of my big take-aways was to REACH OUT when I feel the spiral beginning.
REACH OUT right away to trusted friends who can speak truth into the web of
false-truths which we weave for ourselves.
I am very fortunate to have several special friends to whom I can turn in these
moments and just be nakedly me.
As I walked home and allowed the words to swirl around in my
brain, I could feel the whirlpool pulling me deeper with each step. I pulled my
cell out of my bag and sent an SOS text that went something like this after
describing the situation:
ME: “Trying not to spiral. Kind of want to just disappear. I’m
okay. I’m okay. I’m okay… trying to be okay. Trying to be okay…”
Awesome Friend stepped in with compassion and common sense.
She reminded me of who I am, who she knows me to be, and called me out of the
ugly place. In the end, we chatted about the power of words, their trickiness,
and the power we give them.
What we eventually came to is that our minds will
automatically just accept the negative as true over the positive. Whatever is
said that confirms the false truths we hold about ourselves, whatever it is
that keeps us most small, those are the lies to which we will cling.
Or perhaps, we fashion those false beliefs into a flag, which we wave proudly
above our heads at all times…
Growing is hard. If we buy into the bullshit that we
can’t change or that we’re irreparably fucked up, we can continue to sit on the
couch with our G&T, a spoon in one hand for the Breyer’s Gelato and the
other hand in the bag of wavy chips (which definitely did NOT happen this past
week). The hard part is to not bury oneself in that bullshit. If we buy into the
TRUE truths and not the false beliefs, we can’t stay in that place. Shining the
light of truth into those dark places helps one recognize that you are more
than the number on the scale and that the gelato and chips are only going to be
regrets when you wake up the next morning.
“You are many, many things… awesome friend, confidant,
counselor, general ass-kicker, wise woman, sister, an example of a good
marriage, good parenting, and a good friend…”
Thanks for that, Awesome Friend. These are the things by
which we should be defined. Not our dress size or the scale.
Today, I am choosing to believe Awesome Friend over my crazy
brain because it’s NOT the easy choice. It’s the choice that makes me lift
emotional weights and build some muscles. It’s the choice that’s going to get
me closer to real change and freedom.
Wishing you
transparency with your own awesome friends on the journey,
The
Imperfect Cavegirl
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