The Epiphany of Comfortable Pants

My life after the scale break-up has been amazing. I should have done this a long time ago. It has removed the judgement from my food choices. It has been the devil on my shoulder for a long time and I didn’t even realize it. Just knowing that I’m not going to step on the scale is like cutting out that unhealthy friend from your life: the one who cancels on you, criticizes you, makes you feel like you don’t measure up to their standards of “cool.” The moment you decide to take power away from this person, the world opens up in amazing ways. This is how leaving the scale behind has been for me.

I have followed a blog for several years, Pancakes Gone Awry. Patty O., the author, and I have lived oddly parallel lives and I’ve been following her since The Boy was diagnosed with Sensory Processing Disorder as a toddler. Shortly after Patty’s son’s diagnosis was changed from SPD to Autism, so was The Boy’s. Reading how she handled the transitions in her life helped me through my own. Another common thread in our lives has been our struggle with our weight and loving ourselves in spite of it. In a post from April 2014, Patty writes about running into an old friend who had gained a lot of weight since the last time she had seen her:

 “As I considered her weight gain, I felt better because I realized I wasn't the only woman out there who struggles with her relationship with food.  My friend is a smart, kind, vibrant woman, who cares about people and is strong.  If she happens to struggle with emotional eating, I thought, then maybe it's not such a thing to be ashamed of.  I mean, really, who DOESN'T have some unhealthy habits?  If she, someone I genuinely admire, struggles with weight issues, then, I'm sure in good company.

“Even more important, though, I noticed how I thought about her.  I didn't feel judgment or criticism bubbling to my lips.  Instead, I just felt compassion and understanding.  And the reason this was an epiphany was because I realized that I reacted to her weight gain exactly opposite to how I react to my own frequent slip-ups.”

Last year, I received showers of praise from friends and family on how I looked post-Whole 30. It was welcome, but I accepted it hesitantly: what if I gain it back? I felt I would be failing them and myself. It was a lot of pressure. Then there’s that feeling, when you see someone you haven’t in awhile and you have gained weight back that you are being pitied, “Poor Cavegirl. She looked so good. What happened?” I have long been tied to what others think of me and the thought of being pitied or disappointing is the worst. However, yes. We do all have unhealthy habits and we all have experiences that are rough when we turn to those habits for comfort.  I imagined myself as this friend of Patty’s and accepted the love she sent her way. To be the recipient of compassion is far greater than the power of pity, even when the pity is just in your head.

I have been working toward compassion for myself and my weight for years. Because of the gain this year, literally none of my clothing from last summer fits, and if it does, that does NOT mean I should be wearing it.  

Getting dressed for work was the worst. Cramming myself into my jeans was a nightmare. I was trying to find ways to wear my yoga pants and capris underneath long shirts or dresses. I figured that, if I dressed them up, no one would know. Of course, The Girl called me on it right away, “Mommy, are those your running pants?” It didn’t stop me. I was operating from a shame-based mindset. Thoughts coursed through my head, “You don’t deserve to look nice. You gained all that weight! Now, you should suffer with the clothes you have.” In some twisted way, I thought this mindset would help me to get “back on track,” but it didn’t.

Early last week, Super Hubby handed me his phone and asked if I wanted to order anything from a favorite store of ours, which was having a 50% off sale. Continuing in my shame mindset, I ordered a dress and a couple pair of cheap “fat” pants. I expected all of them to look horrible and that I would need to return them. A few days later, the pants came. Linen pants with an elastic waistband.

THE pants.

The day they arrived, I’d worn my “skinny” jeans to work. By the end of the day, I was dying. The temperature had shot up during the day and my 1.5 mile walk home was unbearably hot, making the already uncomfortable pants even worse. When I slipped on the magical linen pants, the clouds parted and I heard the chorus of angels above me singing in GLORY!

They looked nice. They were comfortable. Could life be this way? Oh, the epiphany of comfortable pants!

My mindset changed quickly. I decided to embrace myself in the “now.” I am heavier than last year, but I am not ruined for it. I can still be beautiful and care for myself. I am still beautiful, in fact.

I went shopping.

I bought those pants in two more colors. I found a jersey dress that was both comfortable and flattering and bought it in 3 colors. Possibly four. I have my clothes for the summer and I love them. All were on sale and I plan to wear the hell out of them. If people notice that I’m wearing the same things in different colors, I don’t care. I loved having a uniform for the last 2.5 years of my high school life – I do not particularly enjoy “putting together outfits.”  This woman, who gave herself a uniform, is kind of my hero.

Over the weekend, I went on a short vacation with Super Family. When I lost the weight last year, part of my motivation was to be a healthy example for my daughter. I wanted her to be proud of her healthy, thin mom and see it as a choice she can make for herself. This is not a bad thing, however, a healthier mindset to model for her is that of acceptance. I want her to see me love myself and be proud of how I look, no matter how much I weigh. I mustered all of my courage and got into my swim suit and climbed into that hotel pool. Skinner moms than I sat to the side in their cover-ups and missed the joy of splashing around with their kids.

I didn’t eat every meal like a Cavegirl this week, but it is funny how I made better choices without the rule of the scale in my life. There was no voice to say, “Ha! You thought you did well, but there it is! Two bonus pounds, fat ass!” to send me into a spiral of anger and eating. Right now, my focus is on changing my mind about myself. I feel confident that this is the healthier choice over “eating right,” and if I can embrace this, the rest will follow. 

Wishing you self-compassion on your own journey,
The Imperfect Cavegirl