Dear Scale,
We've been together a long time, you and I. You have been a constant on my life's journey, almost as far back as I can remember. You've taken a few different forms - analog, digital, fiery red numbers, black against grey. All seemingly benign, but you and I know that is not true.
Your numbers were there with me, taunting me. No matter how low they were, they were never enough. I would feel good about something you showed me and then would Google celebrities I thought looked perfect and see that they were still 20-30 pounds lighter. Any success I felt would fly out the window and I would once again become aware that I didn't measure up to this standard of beauty my society had set and I had willingly adopted for myself.
You have ruined days, weeks, YEARS of my life with your little, wretched numbers. You have taken me to dark places away from my family and friends. Places I shut them out of so I could be left to wallow there with you. You and me, Scale. In the darkness. Me, clinging to you for the answers to my biggest questions: "Am I beautiful? Am I enough?"
Well, FUCK YOU, scale. I'm done with your bullshit. You have not loved me as I've needed to be loved. I have let you keep me in misery.
We've been together a long time, you and I. You have been a constant on my life's journey, almost as far back as I can remember. You've taken a few different forms - analog, digital, fiery red numbers, black against grey. All seemingly benign, but you and I know that is not true.
Your numbers were there with me, taunting me. No matter how low they were, they were never enough. I would feel good about something you showed me and then would Google celebrities I thought looked perfect and see that they were still 20-30 pounds lighter. Any success I felt would fly out the window and I would once again become aware that I didn't measure up to this standard of beauty my society had set and I had willingly adopted for myself.
You have ruined days, weeks, YEARS of my life with your little, wretched numbers. You have taken me to dark places away from my family and friends. Places I shut them out of so I could be left to wallow there with you. You and me, Scale. In the darkness. Me, clinging to you for the answers to my biggest questions: "Am I beautiful? Am I enough?"
Well, FUCK YOU, scale. I'm done with your bullshit. You have not loved me as I've needed to be loved. I have let you keep me in misery.
I'm choosing myself over you for the first time I can
remember. I know we have been enmeshed and I will be tempted to seek you out in
my low moments. I will be tempted to welcome you back in, to trust that we can
have a healthy relationship. I will be tempted to reopen My Fitness Pal and
view our history together. I can’t let that happen. Given our past, the abusive
relationship we’ve shared, the mental and emotional agony I have allowed you to
keep me in, it is just not possible.
From this point on, I will look to myself, my family and trusted friends for my value. I know that I am beautiful. I am intelligent, talented, AND beautiful. My body is strong. I'm going to choose not to doubt that any longer, no matter what you say. I know that I am taking steps to be a healthier human being and I'm not going to let you sabotage that journey and pull me back into your traps any more. I'm going to have bad days, but not because I didn't like what you told me.
From this point on, I will look to myself, my family and trusted friends for my value. I know that I am beautiful. I am intelligent, talented, AND beautiful. My body is strong. I'm going to choose not to doubt that any longer, no matter what you say. I know that I am taking steps to be a healthier human being and I'm not going to let you sabotage that journey and pull me back into your traps any more. I'm going to have bad days, but not because I didn't like what you told me.
I have stood upon you for the last time, Demon Scale. Don’t
call me and I WON'T be calling you.
No longer yours, truly or otherwise,
The Imperfect Cavegirl
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